Thursday, March 3, 2016

The Chosen One Exposed- Marriage in Shambles? The Potter Family is Falling Apart!

    The Boy Who Lived was spotted in Diagon Alley earlier this week, sporting a nasty black eye, among other injuries. It seems to me incredibly unlikely that Harry Potter, the man who defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as a child, would suffer these injuries in the course of ordinary Auror work. The hero of the Wizarding world has always worked very hard to maintain his public image- which apparently includes wearing those ridiculous glasses well into his thirties- and would in all likelihood go to great lengths to avoid damage to his recognizable face. As the Ministry has on no uncertain terms declined on four separate occasions to comment on what official assignments may be to blame for the unsightly lesions on the face of our country's hero, one can only assume that these mysterious injuries have another source- and if you read the signs right, the answer is clear. Ginny Potter (formerly Ginny Weasley) has been proven time and time again to be violent, delusional, and short-tempered. The former quidditch player is rumoured to have a temper to match the fiery red hair so common to her bloodline, a rumour which many of her former classmates have attested. During her time at Hogwarts, she was infamous for her bat-bogey hexes, and scored highly on any OWLs for classes that focused on offensive or defensive spellwork. This success can be attributed primarily to the secret war organization known and Dumbledore's Army. (Other former members include her brothers Ron, George, and Fred (deceased) Weasley, Hogwarts Herbology Professor Neville Longbottom, and renowned naturalist Luna "Looney" Lovegood, and was originally led by the Boy WHo Lived himself. Does he now regrets providing his wife with the skills to abuse him? Or is his emotional state too damaged to make the connection?) If the escapades of her school days wasn't enough evidence, regular readers may remember that two summers ago, she jinxed Daily Prophet Correspondent Rita Skeeter during coverage of the Quidditch World Cup.
    Whether Ginny has actually begun taking her formidable temper out on her husband or not, it is clear that there is a lot of stress in the Potter household. Just last weekend, the two youngest Potter children reportedly stayed for several days at the home of their uncle George Weasley, owner of Weasley Wizard Wheezes, and his wife, the ex-girlfriend of his dead twin brother. Has the Potters' fighting escalated to the point where a silencing charm is no longer enough to protect the innocence of their young children? Can Harry Potter, who was himself an orphan- unloved and abused by his muggle relatives- and Ginny Weasley, the youngest of --- children, with a workaholic father and an overworked mother, really be truested to raise children?
    Even James Sirius, the eldest son of the Chosen One, doesn't seem to have escaped the unhealthy influence of his family. Last September, he was sorted into Gryffindor House, the alma mater of both of his parents, as well as all of his mother's siblings, surviving and deceased. Was the pressure to follow in his father's footsteps too much for him? It is rumored that Harry Potter influenced his own Sorting- could young James have been coerced into doing the same?
    But the Potters are not alone in their relationship troubles- it seems that a certain Mrs. Hermione Weasley recently took a week-long trip to attend the wedding of her "friend" and former boyfriend, the Bulgarian Quidditch star Victor Krum. Is Ron Weasley no longer enough to satisfy Miss Granger? She has always had a taste for famous men- Before she attended the Triwizard Tournament Yule Ball with Mr. Krum in 1994, she was rumored to be dating Harry Potter. Perhaps the man who was merely a friend of the Boy Who Lived is not quite up to her standards?
    Why is it that the Boy Who Lived and his family can't seem to let go of fame? While their peers have moved on since the War, taking up teaching posts, starting businesses, or seeking ministry employment, it would seem that the Potters thrive on danger. Perhaps the Chosen One wishes for another Dark Lord, so that he can be called back into the spotlight. In the meantime, they will just have to make do with creating their own drama, and we at the Daily Prophet will simply have to do our best to ignore their constant pleas for attention.

-From the Daily Prophet offices




  1. *is having a fangirl attack* Madeleine, this was AWESOME! I loved your writing style, your educated musings, and the sheer brilliance of this idea. Loved this work, and hope to see more.

  2. I love this, how very Rita of you!